PAIN

This morning as I lay in bed, not quite conscious I could feel the dull ache in my left knee and the increasing intense pain in my lower back. NO, I thought. NO!

In the Dictionary, pain is described as:

pain

1.physical suffering or distress, as due to injury, illness, etc.

2.a distressing sensation in a particular part of the body

3.mental or emotional suffering or torment: 

I have awakened each day of my life (well, honestly it has probably only been 4 out of 7 days a week) to some form of pain. 

I remember back as far as when i was a kid....arthritis pain started when i was in my 10th year...my Mom took me to the doctor and he said that i would probably be in a wheelchair by the time i was in my 20s. i didn't know better...so i started skiing with my pals. We would walk about 2-3 miles across a field in my hometown in Montana where we would be able to ski (downhill) on the foothills...and made big ramps so we could even  jump. When we couldn't feel our toes anymore we would load the skis onto our sleds and trudge back across the field to our homes. I kept this up until I went to High School in another part of the state.

Sometime in my 14th year I started having blinding painful headaches which were diagnosed as migraines. I got glasses to see if that would help...and it didn't. All through my High School years and actually until I was 55 years old I have had debilitating migraines. At one point in my life they got so bad that I had blind spells and was considered disabled because of them. The drugs made me ever sicker. Then, when I was 37 I had a stroke...caused by the migraines. When I didn't have a migraine I had a "regular" headache, frontal cluster headaches, Occipital migraines, etc. 

 

I went into a study with the University of Washington about pain and headaches. It was when biofeedback was just being developed. I ended up doing biofeedback and learned how to warm up my hands and get into a more relaxed state. It didn't help the pain but it was very interesting. I had up to 4 migraines a week....having one on the left side and having to go to the hospital emergency room where they would give me a shot of Demerol and Vistoril (pre-op medication)...it didn't get rid of the pain but it made me not care about the pain anymore and be able to sleep. I would go home and sleep for 12 hours and wake up with a migraine on the right side and be taken back to the hospital for another set of shots. 

My life was totally filled with pain and here I was, trying to raise two children...what a nightmare! My husband wasn't much help because he didn't understand about pain. He never had any. I was once told by my friend that my skin actually took on a greenish color when I had a migraine. I was thrilled because then people would know I wasn't just "saying" I had this horrible pain. I had these types of migraines until I was 55 years old and was divorced from my first husband. A correlation? I don't know, but thankful doesn't even begin to tell you how I feel that I don't have those anymore. 

The other "daily" headaches continued, however, and continued until I retired from my job in August of last year. Now I realize that they must have been all about stress. People around me don't understand that I have bad headaches because I have always "pushed through" the pain in order to function. Some drugs help but never enough. My Love says He can look in my eyes and know I have a headache. Now, when I have stress the headaches return. 

The arthritis pain has been with me all my life and when it goes to a new place in my body it is very distracting and a problem to deal with. Lately my hands have been more painful than ever before and because I am an artist and do a lot of things it is very distressing for me. 

I have had degenerative arthritis in my spine...upper and lower...and about 20 years ago started becoming more of a painful problem. I would periodically have bad back pain....and that would be exacerbated if I would slip on the ice (or fall) or if I would lift something heavy. My doctor would prescribe pain pills and muscle relaxers for a period of time and the pain would settle down. 

 

About 3 years ago I had what I call a "soft fall" in the Safeway parking lot in the spring when there was still ice on the ground. About a week later my right hip and the front of my right leg to my knee started hurting something awful. I went to the doctor. I went to the chiropractor. I went to the massage therapist. I took the "usual" pain/muscle relaxers. It didn't go away and - in fact - got worse. I went to an Osteopath. I finally went to physical therapy (which I hate more than I can even describe)....they said it wasn't a hip problem, it was a back problem. I went back to the doctor and they did an MRI and x-rays and the upshot was that I have 2 protruding discs in my lower back caused by the degenerative arthritis. So they started me on stronger pain meds

The people there are incredibly nice...seem to understand about pain! There, every two months, I lay on a table and they do a very deep injection of steroids to help with the management of my back pain. It is an incredibly painful procedure. But most of the time I am near pain-free at times during the next month and a half and then it all comes back full-force. These injections along with very strong pain meds allows me to have some quality of life. At this point, that's what it's all about. I have developed severe arthritis in my left knee so have received an injection there too...and may have to repeat it. 

I wanted to do a procedure with a local chiropractor where you do traction for about 20 minutes a day for 6 weeks...and the rest of the time you lay flat....24 hours a day....and it is something that has been very beneficial for many others. My insurance company turned me down flat...saying that it was too experimental, when in fact they have already paid for others to have it done!! They counted on the fact that I was hurting too much and I wouldn't cause a fuss...which is what happened. I couldn't deal with it. (This procedure has a 93% success rate!)

I have been on pain patches that were stronger than morphine...but the meds were too strong for me to have a decent life...and another drug was used and I almost lost my mind while I was on it...literally. I was suicidal, so emotional I could hardly function, and couldn't think or pay attention at all. 

 

So, I have developed a "team" of medical personnel, all on my own, who help me in different ways. My regular MD provides me with the pain meds that help so much, I see an Osteopath, I go to the Pain Clinic once every two months, I swim and keep as active as possible, and my best friend is the ice pack. Once in a while I have a massage but that tends to make me feel worse. I know the degeneration is going to get worse but hopefully not before the end of my time on Earth. There are many things I can't do...and pain is with me in some form most of the day. Some things I love to do cause me to have exacerbated pain for up to 3-4 days, but those things are so important to me emotionally that I do them anyway, just not as often as I want to. 

Most days, even before I'm fully conscious, pain invades my thoughts...and all I can think of is that I have another day to get through...and that the fight goes on. The fight to be as normally active as possible, to not let the chronic pain I have make me less of a nice person. The meds make me have times when I sweat terribly, even while not doing anything...which really causes me emotional upset sometimes. I see a therapist to help me deal with the chronic pain and all that goes with it. Over a period of time chronic pain robs you of your will to live...robs you of your desire to fight through it ONE MORE DAY....but with the love of a wonderful Man, a supportive family and friends, and the medical community working with me, I feel that it's worth it.

My goal is to keep on "KEEPING ON"...for as long as possible, and to not allow the pain to take over my life and my enjoyment of things. The arthritis pain all over my body is getting worse but activity helps so....I push forward....what else can I do?

I know there are others who have it a lot worse than I do...people who suffer beyond comprehension...and my heart goes out to them! When people I love have pain I want to take it from them because I know it would be easier for me to add to my own than for them to hurt once-in-a-while. 

In the Bible it says that "man is that he may have joy..."....so I am trying to hang in there long enough to realize that pain-free existence that allows me to have joy.....and while I'm hanging in there....I am experiencing little moments of joy with my family and loved ones. No one said life would be fair, they only said it would be worth it....and it is! 

 

i am wishing you and yours pain-free days and nights to live and love as you desire. Be thankful for those days when you do not have to push your way through pain that tries so hard to hold you back. 

janie

What I Would Have Been In My Other Life

Have you had a secret dream of what you would have liked to be when you grew up?  I have! In particular, I wanted to be a drummer for a Rock Band! Not just any rock band, oh, no...I wanted to be with Bon Jovi! I would have liked to be a lead singer or even a back-up singer. Remember the Do-Wap songs of the past? The back-up singers did all the do-wapping and la-la-las.... LOL And the Black performers always had the most awesome dance moves while they did the back-up singing. AWESOME!!

I always liked Bon Jovi...He's a man with family values and a lot of that is reflected in his music. Take this song....Lay You Down In A Bed Of Roses

Trying hard to capture the moment this morning I don't know
'Cause a bottle of vodka is still lodged in my head
And some blond gave me nightmares, think that she's still in my bed
As I dream about movies they won't make of me when I'm dead

With an ironclad fist I wake up and french kiss the morning
While some marching band keeps it's own beat in my head
While we're talking about all of the things that I long to believe
About love, the truth, what you mean to me and the truth is
Baby you're all that I need

I wanna lay you down in a bed of roses
For tonight I'll sleep on a bed of nails
I wanna be just as close as your Holy Ghost is
And lay you down on a bed of roses

Well I'm so far away the step that I take's on my way home
A king's ransom in dimes I'd give each night to see through this pay phone
Still I run out of time or it's hard to get through
Till the bird on the wire flies me back to you
I'll just close my eyes, whisper baby blind love is true

Well this hotel bar's hangover whiskey's gone dry
The barkeeper's wig's crooked and she's giving me the eye
Well I might have said yeah but I laughed so hard I think I died

Now as you close your eyes, know I'll be thinking about you
While my mistress she calls me to stand in her spotlight again
Tonight I won't be alone, But you know that don't mean I'm not lonely
I've got nothing to prove for it's you that I'd die to defend

So this song is to his wife while he is out on the road giving concerts. His mistress is the spotlight on the stage and when he says he won't be alone he's talking about the audience. He says that being without her is like sleeping on a bed of nails. I love this song!!

He has done many, many songs and one of the newest ones is called "Work For the Working Man"...

I'm here trying to make a living, I ain't living just to die
Never getting back what I'm giving
Can someone somewhere help me justify why these strong hands are on the un-employment line
Now there's nothing left but what's on my mind

Who's gonna work for the working man
(Hurt) for the working man
(Work) Get your hands in the dirt
Who's gonna work off the curse
(Work) Brother I'll be damned
(Work) If I don't raise a hand
(Work) Whose gonna work, work, work For the working man, working man

Empty pockets full of worry Had to get two jobs
And it was hard enough just getting by With the grace of god I'll get us through
I only know what I know how to do I'm the only one who's got to look my family in the eye
Day after day - Night after night

I lost my pension, They took my I.D
These were my friends, These were my dreams
These were my hopes, These are my streets
Can you hear me?

His music reflects what's happening in today's world and with today's people and families. He has a reputation to be proud of...His music speaks to me, to my soul. Don't get me wrong, I also love Aerosmith and the Stones and other rock musicians, but for me .... being on stage, in front of thousands of people, banging on the drums for "my man" Bon Jovi to belt out this music would be a HUGE rush!!!!

Will I ever stop loving rock? NO, never!! and yah, I like it LOUD!!! I used to take my oldest daughter and her friends to rock concerts all the time....we saw Journey and the Doobie Brothers and more that my old memory can't remember....but it was so much fun!! A few years ago my children bought me and my Love tickets to go see Elton John when he actually came to Fairbanks! I cried through the whole concert...it was such an awesome experience. He came here with only a piano...no band and only for one performance. We were in the balcony and I could look right down on him. It was sooo awesome. A few years ago my oldest daughter also got tickets for my youngest daughter and I to go with her and her husband to a Prince concert in Seattle. WOW, we had "nose bleed" seats but the concert was just unbelieveable. The two most memorable points from that concert were when Prince sat center stage with an acoustic guitar and sang alone. The other was when his bass player played "Amazing Grace" on the electric bass....alone....just WOW!!

So, I "live my dream" when I play Bon Jovi music and pretend I'm the drummer or back-up singer...cause I know every song!! It doesn't hurt to day-dream and if you have a "secret" long-ago dream I would love to hear about it.

Have a ROCK-filled day!
janie

Planning a World Class Vacation

One day my daughter, Tamara (who lives in Seattle) called me and said "I want to take you on a cruise, Mom". i was so elated! it sounded like a really awesome idea especially since i've never been on a cruise or even on a vacation out of the U.S.A.  We talked about going to Hawaii and it sounded awesome. We decided to ask my younger daughter, Lisabeth who lives here in Fairbanks (i have two daughters and two sons), and my wonderful daughter-in-law, Amy. Amy bowed out because she goes to China to visit her family for a month and couldn't take the time for a cruise with us too. Lisabeth said she could go but had to go in August and be back by the time grad school started again in the fall. so...i started doing research since Tamara works more than full-time and has a pretty active social life with her husband, and Lisabeth goes to grad school and works and is also married! makes me tired just telling you about their schedules!! LOL 

Barcelona, Spain

Barcelona, Spain

 Anyway, i researched cruises to Hawaii starting IN Hawaii and the cruise was really expensive! i was very surprised....so i started looking around for other cruises just for the heck of it. i fell in love with the idea of a cruise on the Mediterranean!! i asked my girls what they thought and they were all for it. i found the Norwegian Epic cruise ship, brand new in 2010, would be doing the Mediterranean from August 28-September 4, 2011 so we booked it!! i was so excited because we got a mini-suite for a 7 day cruise for less than the cruise around the Hawaiian Islands. The kicker is the airfare! Yipes! it's going to be about $1,700 from Fairbanks to Barcelona, Spain and from there to Paris, France, and back!! BUT....what a trip this will be....we fly to Barcelona, Spain on August 22nd and spend 4 days there before boarding the cruise ship. there is so much to see and i got this wonderful little book about Barcelona and where to go and what to do and OMG it will be so awesome!! then we cruise to Italy aboard the Epic and back to Barcelona where Lisabeth will be flying home to grad school. 

Norwegian Epic Cruise Ship

This is what our stateroom looks like.

Tamara and i will be going on to Paris, France....to eat, see the sights, eat, maybe take a French cooking class, eat, shop, and oh, yah, eat!! Can you say "the Louvre"??? oh, boy, i am SO ready! we will be there until the 9th of September when we fly home. it will - may i say - be a trip of a lifetime and for me to do it with my two beautiful and wonderful daughters is unimaginably wonderful! 

In planning this trip i have come across so much information...and originally we thought we might spend 3 days in Paris and 3 days in London but decided to cut the London leg off and have more of a "feel" for Paris. i know that i won't have unlimited energy so it will be relaxed and unhurried and we can see everything we want. if we get bored (LOL) we can always to go Disneyland Paris! 

Paris, France

The Louvre in Paris, France

As with anything this huge it does take planning and pre-reservations, etc. This is something that i love doing and when i get all my ducks in a row i'll be sending off a packet of information to Tamara and Lisabeth and i will look it over and then a BIG phone call or skype thing will happen and we can decide what we want to do from all that i've gathered. as with everything, money is an issue...but we are all saving like crazy and doing everything we can to be ready. my Love gave me a wonderful new canon camera for christmas and it takes great photos...so that part is covered. i got a money belt and luggage locks from Lisabeth. Next month i am going to Seattle to do a little cruise shopping...see about proper stuff to take. so...i am really excited! i have my part of cruise almost paid off and now have to save for my airline ticket and spending money...and hotels in Barcelona and Paris. it will be a blast, even if we are living on a shoestring...me and my girls...how lucky can a mom get?

Blogging and Dogs

As i look around blogger.com i see all kinds of blogs from business blogs to family blogs (which are by far the majority). The family blogs have these cute little pictures of the family or the children. Then i came back to mine....it is neither cute nor business-like. i really need to take a class on blogging!! my son-in-law has a very interesting blog but it is really geared for an adult audience. i like his blog because he embellishes the truth with what her refers to as "a good story". i love that!! my daughter once had a photo blog and i started doing that too but then she sort of stopped doing it and i guess i did the same thing. i love photos but i'm not a photoaholic...i take a few photos here and a few photos there.

Right now we are puppy-sitting. Her name is Pippin and she is a little fluff-ball of a Australian Shepherd. Her mommy's goal for her is to be a show dog...not just a house dog like our Gracie. Gracie is an Australian Shepherd and is a little over a year old. The interesting thing is that both Gracie and Pippin have almost the same coloring...black, white, and brown, although Pippin has very little brown. Right now Gracie is laying on my feet and Pippin is in the kitchen napping. Our first night with Pippin went very well. We'll see how the day goes. it's been a long time since i had a puppy to run after!! it's not even 9:00 am and i'm exhausted!! LOL

Anyway, i really want write an interesting blog so i'm going to be doing some research...and would love to know how others come up with their topics. care to share?

i hope you each have a fun filled day!
janie

A Night I'll Never Forget

it was April 18, 2010, at 11:00 pm. i was walking back to bed from a bathroom trip and the next thing i knew, my Love was asking me if i was alright. He had been sleeping and apparently when i fell on the bed it woke Him up. i was having trouble breathing, and my chest felt like a horse was sitting on it. He grabbed the phone and called 911. As i lay there all i coud think of was that my father had had heart disease and several heart attacks before he died, and was i having a heart attack? it seemed like hours and yet it was only minutes before i heard the siren from the ambulance. apparently a fire truck or EMT unit responded as well. There in my bedroom stood 5 young men, ready to do whatever it took to get me ready to go to the hospital. they took my blood pressure and tried to start an IV (unsuccessfully almost all the way to the hospital). Then they told me they were going to put me on a backboard in order to carry me down our stairs and out to the waiting ambulance. i assured them that i was more than 150 pounds but they insisted that it didn't matter, that they could handle it. as i later learned if i had attempted to get up and walk i would have passed out again. i had the presence of mind to tell them what medications i had taken and gave the bottles to them so they could write them down. i think my years working in the medical field helped a lot. i remember they didn't cover me up and i had on a flannel nightgown, short in length, and it was really cold outside. When they finally got the doors on the ambulance closed and started down the road they covered me with a blanket and started doing the blood pressure and EKG thing with the hospital emergency room. i looked at the one who seemed to be the "boss" and asked him if i was having a heart attack. He said i wasn't, that i had a bad heart block.

almost a month prior to this i was experiencing dizziness and felt on the verge of passing out all the time and after lunch out with a friend she took me to the emergency room. i spent 4 hours in the trauma unit where they checked me for a heart attack and finally decided i was on some medication that i had been taking for a number of years that was now causing the AV Block in my heart. Diagnosis: stop the medication and it will be fine. well, it didn't get fine, it got worse...hence, the night of April 18th.

So there we were in the Trauma Unit again and they did all the same things as the first time around and after some time told me i was going to be moved to one of their "expensive" rooms...meaning ICU telemetry where they monitored my heart. The bed was soooooo comfortable and the nurses were the best i have ever encountered. they were in my room at least once ever hour the whole time i was there and one nurse sat with me for 3 hours, talking to keep my mind off how bad my back hurt because i had to lay flat for that period of time after the Heart Cath. about 4 am on the 19th my husband and if finally got a little sleep. He stayed with me at the hospital but my daughter went home to check on the dog and get some rest. she notified my other kids and they came in from Seattle the following day.

the dreaded Heart Cath was done .... i worked for cardiac surgeons in the lower 48 for several years and the unit next to us did the Heart Cath's and they sounded horrible. for me, i kept losing a heart beat and passing out so it was pretty traumatic. the reason behind the cath was to evaluate if i had any underlying heart disease and i didn't. so the plan was that i should receive a pacemaker.

the only thing i "knew" about pacemakers was that old people had them and that's about it. well, it isn't just old people, apparently...the procedure of installation is really quite simple...minor surgery with two wires going into the top and bottom of my heart attached to the pacemaker. The pacemaker (hereafter known as PM) is run by batteries and the PM is inserted just under the skin in my upper left chest. i have a whole list of things i can't be around (but the microwave is not one of them). for instance, i can't run a jackhammer...shucks!! i ALWAYS wanted to run a jackhammer and now i lost my chance! LOL can't use my battery-run toothbrush, can't have the cell phone or ipod within 12 inches of the PM, can't go through the regular security at the Federal Building or the airport, little things like that....and oh, yah...can't get the massage in the chair when i get a manicure. now that REALLY sucks!!!

what i CAN do is live my life. the PM is checked every 6 months and it should last me about 7 years and then they will have to put new batteries in it and i'll be good to go 7 more years...God/Goddess willing!! i'm the bionic woman...or the energizer mom...but i consider myself just plain lucky. You see people die all the time from a complete heart block like mine. Especially if they are alone and have no one to rouse them when the block happens. it happens to people of all ages, because we usually don't even know we have it until it's too late.

i needed to tell you this story, to tell you that life is fragile, that at a moment's notice it can change. Life is so short and tenuous that we need to be happy while we are here. to be unhappy is to waste the precious time we have. if there are problems in your life, do everything you can to fix them. if your life is not problematic then help someone who is suffering in some way. to love and be loved is the most important thing in our lives. it helps us realize our true selves and allows our souls to fly.

thank you to all my family and friends who were such wonderful supports through all this. but i must admit that i still have trouble sleeping in our bed because that night was so terrifying for me. when i have a ringing in my ears i become afraid because my ears rang something terrible that night. i came so close to death that it scared me something fierce. dying is one thing...the PROCESS of dying is totally another. i'm thankful for each and every day that i wake up and am reassured that my pacemaker is working...they say it is being used 65% of the time in my case....that's pretty significant to me.

janie

No Blog Today

Dear Friends,

My Love is home sick today and i'm rather under-the-weather too so no blog today. i promise to write tomorrow. Have a wonderful day!

huggs, janie

Are you sad?

i am struggling....as i have for the past 25 years. during the winter in Fairbanks, Alaska, where i live, we have extended hours of darkness. by the winter solstace we have about 2 hours of dusk, and it feels like it's dark most of the time. when i was working it was worse...i left in the dark and came home in the dark. after the winter solstace we begin to get daylight back in increments of 2 minutes a day and up to 7 minutes a day. then, by the summer solstace we have almost total daylight...perhaps a very tiny dim in the daylight but that's it.

i don't like the sun...it gives me headaches and hurts my eyes. but in the winter i suffer terribly from SAD, Seasonal Affective Disorder. i have been on antidepressants every year during the winter because it gets so bad. i want to sleep all the time...you know, it's dark and time to go to bed, never mind that it's only 3:00 in the afternoon. Heaven help you if you take a nap and wake up a bit confused!! if the clock reads 5:00 you might not know if it's A.M. or P.M.!!! believe me, it's happened!! LOL

this year seems to be particularly hard for some reason. i get out of the house a lot...errands, lunch with a friend, shopping, getting "beautified"...hair, manicure, pedicure...you know, stuff girls do. but it hasn't helped much. i even go swimming at a local indoor pool with my daughter once or twice a week....but it seems like it's always dark. ~sigh~

i know that many others suffer as i do from this problem and my sympathy goes out to all who do. it's rough...nothing seems interesting, nothing is funny, nothing is fun...it really kicks my butt!! So this year i decided that therapy might help too. besides they bring out the BIG drugs and i thought that might be in order because my depression has been so severe....so each week i faithfully go see my "shrink". i think it helps because she is easy to talk to and really understands this problem. and, yes, they brought out some BIG drugs that are helping...but i don't think they are helping quite enough yet. so, when i go THIS week, i'm requesting the BIGGER drugs!!! and, some daylight if they can conjure it up for me.

my Love and i are looking into getting a "happy light". they even sell them on Amazon.com. you put it where it sit for a while...by the computer or tv or whatever. i have even heard you can put them behind your knees because the skin in very thin there....so when we get one i'll test that theory out for you and let you know.

winter is far from over here so please wish me luck in getting this problem whipped! and if you live where there is daylight, please put some in an envelope and send it to me. my address is ..... oh, yah, near the North Pole. (seriously)

Have a sun-filled (well, daylight-filled anyway) day!!

Cuties at the South Pole even get daylight!!

janie