Bitching and Whining

It is evening, although you would not know it by looking outside...that's what summer is like in our neck of the woods. And there is soft classical music playing on the iPod, our Gracie is sacked out for the evening, having had her "dessert....licking our ice cream dishes" and my Love and I are doing our "computer thing". I am so thankful for the times that I have where all feels right with the world, and yet it still brings tears to my eyes. I wonder why? Well, it could be because I am having pain again after a couple of weeks with almost none...and this has me worried. Will I ever again be without pain like I was? Wow, I was doing all those things that we take for granted that we can do forever...like clean house, do laundry, go places, do things...and then WHAM! I woke up on Wednesday morning with such bad pain in both legs and my back and ever since then have been struggling. Emotionally, it is devastating. Physically, it is aggravating beyond words! 

Here I was thinking that I could behave like everyone else in my world...plan ahead to do things, be excited about getting up in the morning, you know.....NORMAL THINGS. 

Life has a way of humbling us...and the way I feel now I should be the most humble person in the world. Instead, I feel angry and sad all at the same time. I have things to do, places to go, and plans to make. This is not fair!!

Wow, how many times in my life have I said those words! Well, my friend, life is not fair...it is what it is. It is magical at moments and I have had those. It is wonderfully painful...as in falling in love....and I have had those. It is fulfilling at times, and I have had those. It is joyful, as it was when I held my new babies in my arms. It has  been miraculous and beautiful and awful and full of dreams coming true and full of disappointments....Life everyone just like everyone else has. 

I guess because I am in the last quarter of my life I think all the pain and disappointment should be over with. That I should be able to do and plan what I want without any road blocks. It just ain't happening! 

So, I have to figure out what the next step is....and boy do I hate going backwards!!! Now I have to sit back and wait for the pain to go away, wait for the doctor to do something different or something more, figure out how to not worry about what might be or what could have been, and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. The worst part of all this has always been how it affects others, especially my loved ones, who feel helpless. It also affects my ability to be creative. I don't like those things in the least. In fact, it tears me up inside that I can't change things that I cannot change!!! At this rate I'll live into my 100s because I just don't get it....and worse of all, I don't want to. 

I have put these pretty flowers on my blog because [1.] They are purple, and that's my favorite color and [2.] Flowers are like life. We start out as a seed, become a bud, then a small blossom, then full bloom and slowly wilt....but along the way we need lots of sunshine (Love) and water (Nurturing). It is the natural cycle. But unlike my beautiful flowers, I am going kicking and screaming into my "golden years". (Who the hell came up with that phrase??) 

I DO hope you and your loved ones will be safe and well during this July 4th weekend. And be thankful for the freedoms that we have and continue to vote to keep the freedoms from being taken away from us so we can grow old...and leave a wonderful world for the younger generations coming up. And to my Love, thank You for "Growing Old with me because the BEST is yet to be."

Huggs,

Janie