PAIN

This morning as I lay in bed, not quite conscious I could feel the dull ache in my left knee and the increasing intense pain in my lower back. NO, I thought. NO!

In the Dictionary, pain is described as:

pain

1.physical suffering or distress, as due to injury, illness, etc.

2.a distressing sensation in a particular part of the body

3.mental or emotional suffering or torment: 

I have awakened each day of my life (well, honestly it has probably only been 4 out of 7 days a week) to some form of pain. 

I remember back as far as when i was a kid....arthritis pain started when i was in my 10th year...my Mom took me to the doctor and he said that i would probably be in a wheelchair by the time i was in my 20s. i didn't know better...so i started skiing with my pals. We would walk about 2-3 miles across a field in my hometown in Montana where we would be able to ski (downhill) on the foothills...and made big ramps so we could even  jump. When we couldn't feel our toes anymore we would load the skis onto our sleds and trudge back across the field to our homes. I kept this up until I went to High School in another part of the state.

Sometime in my 14th year I started having blinding painful headaches which were diagnosed as migraines. I got glasses to see if that would help...and it didn't. All through my High School years and actually until I was 55 years old I have had debilitating migraines. At one point in my life they got so bad that I had blind spells and was considered disabled because of them. The drugs made me ever sicker. Then, when I was 37 I had a stroke...caused by the migraines. When I didn't have a migraine I had a "regular" headache, frontal cluster headaches, Occipital migraines, etc. 

 

I went into a study with the University of Washington about pain and headaches. It was when biofeedback was just being developed. I ended up doing biofeedback and learned how to warm up my hands and get into a more relaxed state. It didn't help the pain but it was very interesting. I had up to 4 migraines a week....having one on the left side and having to go to the hospital emergency room where they would give me a shot of Demerol and Vistoril (pre-op medication)...it didn't get rid of the pain but it made me not care about the pain anymore and be able to sleep. I would go home and sleep for 12 hours and wake up with a migraine on the right side and be taken back to the hospital for another set of shots. 

My life was totally filled with pain and here I was, trying to raise two children...what a nightmare! My husband wasn't much help because he didn't understand about pain. He never had any. I was once told by my friend that my skin actually took on a greenish color when I had a migraine. I was thrilled because then people would know I wasn't just "saying" I had this horrible pain. I had these types of migraines until I was 55 years old and was divorced from my first husband. A correlation? I don't know, but thankful doesn't even begin to tell you how I feel that I don't have those anymore. 

The other "daily" headaches continued, however, and continued until I retired from my job in August of last year. Now I realize that they must have been all about stress. People around me don't understand that I have bad headaches because I have always "pushed through" the pain in order to function. Some drugs help but never enough. My Love says He can look in my eyes and know I have a headache. Now, when I have stress the headaches return. 

The arthritis pain has been with me all my life and when it goes to a new place in my body it is very distracting and a problem to deal with. Lately my hands have been more painful than ever before and because I am an artist and do a lot of things it is very distressing for me. 

I have had degenerative arthritis in my spine...upper and lower...and about 20 years ago started becoming more of a painful problem. I would periodically have bad back pain....and that would be exacerbated if I would slip on the ice (or fall) or if I would lift something heavy. My doctor would prescribe pain pills and muscle relaxers for a period of time and the pain would settle down. 

 

About 3 years ago I had what I call a "soft fall" in the Safeway parking lot in the spring when there was still ice on the ground. About a week later my right hip and the front of my right leg to my knee started hurting something awful. I went to the doctor. I went to the chiropractor. I went to the massage therapist. I took the "usual" pain/muscle relaxers. It didn't go away and - in fact - got worse. I went to an Osteopath. I finally went to physical therapy (which I hate more than I can even describe)....they said it wasn't a hip problem, it was a back problem. I went back to the doctor and they did an MRI and x-rays and the upshot was that I have 2 protruding discs in my lower back caused by the degenerative arthritis. So they started me on stronger pain meds

The people there are incredibly nice...seem to understand about pain! There, every two months, I lay on a table and they do a very deep injection of steroids to help with the management of my back pain. It is an incredibly painful procedure. But most of the time I am near pain-free at times during the next month and a half and then it all comes back full-force. These injections along with very strong pain meds allows me to have some quality of life. At this point, that's what it's all about. I have developed severe arthritis in my left knee so have received an injection there too...and may have to repeat it. 

I wanted to do a procedure with a local chiropractor where you do traction for about 20 minutes a day for 6 weeks...and the rest of the time you lay flat....24 hours a day....and it is something that has been very beneficial for many others. My insurance company turned me down flat...saying that it was too experimental, when in fact they have already paid for others to have it done!! They counted on the fact that I was hurting too much and I wouldn't cause a fuss...which is what happened. I couldn't deal with it. (This procedure has a 93% success rate!)

I have been on pain patches that were stronger than morphine...but the meds were too strong for me to have a decent life...and another drug was used and I almost lost my mind while I was on it...literally. I was suicidal, so emotional I could hardly function, and couldn't think or pay attention at all. 

 

So, I have developed a "team" of medical personnel, all on my own, who help me in different ways. My regular MD provides me with the pain meds that help so much, I see an Osteopath, I go to the Pain Clinic once every two months, I swim and keep as active as possible, and my best friend is the ice pack. Once in a while I have a massage but that tends to make me feel worse. I know the degeneration is going to get worse but hopefully not before the end of my time on Earth. There are many things I can't do...and pain is with me in some form most of the day. Some things I love to do cause me to have exacerbated pain for up to 3-4 days, but those things are so important to me emotionally that I do them anyway, just not as often as I want to. 

Most days, even before I'm fully conscious, pain invades my thoughts...and all I can think of is that I have another day to get through...and that the fight goes on. The fight to be as normally active as possible, to not let the chronic pain I have make me less of a nice person. The meds make me have times when I sweat terribly, even while not doing anything...which really causes me emotional upset sometimes. I see a therapist to help me deal with the chronic pain and all that goes with it. Over a period of time chronic pain robs you of your will to live...robs you of your desire to fight through it ONE MORE DAY....but with the love of a wonderful Man, a supportive family and friends, and the medical community working with me, I feel that it's worth it.

My goal is to keep on "KEEPING ON"...for as long as possible, and to not allow the pain to take over my life and my enjoyment of things. The arthritis pain all over my body is getting worse but activity helps so....I push forward....what else can I do?

I know there are others who have it a lot worse than I do...people who suffer beyond comprehension...and my heart goes out to them! When people I love have pain I want to take it from them because I know it would be easier for me to add to my own than for them to hurt once-in-a-while. 

In the Bible it says that "man is that he may have joy..."....so I am trying to hang in there long enough to realize that pain-free existence that allows me to have joy.....and while I'm hanging in there....I am experiencing little moments of joy with my family and loved ones. No one said life would be fair, they only said it would be worth it....and it is! 

 

i am wishing you and yours pain-free days and nights to live and love as you desire. Be thankful for those days when you do not have to push your way through pain that tries so hard to hold you back. 

janie